Monday, November 10, 2008

“Subject to information”

My mission president once said (paraphrasing) that I should get off my lazy butt and do some actual missionary work. But that's neither here nor there, since I was in a coma at the time, with all my limbs broken, but he thought I was faking it to get out of proselyting. Uhm - Where was I? . . . oh, yes: I now believe that bloggers in the 'Nacle dwarf politicians in their ability to misinform, deceive, and be overly self-absorbed narcissists.

I believe the following are absolutely true, and if you disagree with me, you're going to hell. There's nothing I can do about that. You'll just have to change your views.

1. My positions and ideas reflect an enlightened and well-considered view of reality, which causes me to despise my fellow humans.

2. My views arise from my capacity for accurate cynicism; opposing views arise from people’s capacity for self-deception.

3. I use all available tools for evaluating an issue (screwdriver, power drill, hacksaw, concrete shoes and a large body of water), while the people I disagree with rely mainly on the self-serving views of whatever 'Nacle clique they belong to.

4. LDS people don’t know what it means to follow the prophet.

5. The Church would be better off without members.

6. The Church’s position on homosexuality is founded on God.

7. Homosexuality is, and is therefore disapproved of by God.

8. An attitude of obedience and indifference to Church leaders is chosen by me - I do both at the same time.

9. Gay marriage is the most immediate threat to the existence of gravity. If Prop. 8 hadn't passed, we'd all be floating up towards the moon. Trust me on this.

10. The Church’s position on gay marriage is founded in the same kind of ignorance that informed Joseph Smith when he went into the grove to pray.

11. Every member of the Bloggernacle should be enlisted to stop talking about Prop. 8.

Seriously people. Give it a rest.

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